Here we come a-frankerin’

(Several kinds of silliness, some music, and some food, but also very plain talk about men’s bodies and mansex — in the woods! — so not at all for kids or the sexually modest.)

Recently posted on Facebook, this mock vintage food ad:

(#1) [The AZ  jingle for Pocket Weenies:] Here we come a-frankerin’ a-frankerin’ a-frankerin’ / Among the leaves so green

No one will be watching us / Why don’t we do it in the woods?

To get a bit ahead of the story, here’s gay pornstar Austin Wilde, offering to collaborate in whatever sort of frankering in the woods would suit you:

(#2) (Botanical note: on the tree at  the right of the photo is what appears to be an especially vigorous poison oak vine)

Shapanage. #1 is a transformation of some background image — from an ad or a book jacket, in particular — into a snickerfacient joke (snickerfacience elicits snickers, especially in middle-schoolers). The genre of such transformations (a type of graphic burlesques) I’ll refer to as shapanage, after the the cheerfully crude graphic artist Cris Shapan responsible for #1.

(See my 5/24/18 posting “Crude japery” on Cris Shapan (aka Clarington Shpoo) and his joke ads and book covers, with notes on the snickerfacient vocabulary in one of his shapanages (bone, roll, creaming, Dickman, meat) and on his Deluxe-Fuxley Publishing company, “Home of Crap”. Then, in my 4/17/19 posting “The last Peepshow”, a shapanage Orson Welles ad for Peeps.)

I assume that the main visual image in #1 (running from the upper left corner diagonally to the lower right) is lifted whole from some vintage ad for hot dogs sold in linked strings (I’ve searched for the ad, but haven’t found it). There’s a certain amount of clueless innocence in displaying such a product at all, but that comes inevitably with the nature of sausages of all sorts — to the prepared mind, they’ll always suggest penises — but if you’re selling food you’re going to want to depict yor product and make people hunger for it, so sausages there will be.

Otherwise, shapanages lay on coarse humor with a great big trowel. A few details from this one.

– the brand name Tosser. From NOAD:

noun tosser: … 2 British vulgar slang a person who masturbates (used as a general term of abuse [roughly equiv. to wanker]).

– Tosser Fine Foods is located in Putney-on-Swope (mimicking English place names of the form TOWNNAME-on-RIVERNAME, like Stratford-on-Avon). From Wikipedia:

Putney Swope is a 1969 satirical comedy film written and directed by Robert Downey Sr. and starring Arnold Johnson as the title character, a black advertising executive. The film satirizes the advertising world, the portrayal of race in Hollywood films, the white power structure, and the nature of corporate corruption.

The movie gives the finger — right on the movie poster — to its targets.

– Putney-on-Swope is located in the — oh, fuck! — fictitious English county of Fuxleyshire.

– the product name Pocket Weenie combines a refence to men’s lower garments (enclosing the genitals) plus some phallic symbol: compare (one-eyed) trouser snake and pocket rocket (both mentioned in earlier postings on this blog).

I’ll put aside the main ad copy, though it has its own deliciousness, and go right to the ad slogan:

Got a hankerin’ for a frank-erin’?

FB readers mused on what might happen in frankering, or being frankered, but franks as symbolic dicks almost surely are involved. I just ran with that: frankering is cock play — either solo, in masturbation; or duo, going with whatever pleases the two of you.

And then frankering came with music, which led me to wassailing / caroling and the green leaves, and suddenly I was doing it in the woods. And the apparition of an incipiently pantless Austin Wilde in the lush green forest rose before me. And it was good, fuckin’ good.

Strings of sausage links. From the TV Tropes site on “Sausage String Silliness”

In many animations and comics, but sometimes in live action as well, hot dogs are sold in “strings”, convenient for playing for comedy. The most common of these gags involves a dog at a picnic grabbing one frank and running off with the whole string (and consequently, the lunch from several people) …

(#3) A string of hotdog links

Link sausages sold in strings are rarely seen as such anymore, at least in the USA, since there are far fewer butcher shops than there used to be. Most folks seem to buy their hot dogs/frankfurters/wieners/sausages in supermarkets, in sealed plastic packages … Still, most people seem to recognize the sausage strings enough to appreciate the gags.

Some people truly love their links, and clamor for them, As here:

(#4) “Demand Sausages Everywhere”, a 1937 Soviet poster made by the People’s Commissariat for Food Industries

That’s соси́ски sosíski, pl. of соси́ска sosíska ‘sausage’. And, of course, the phallic potential of sausages transcends time and place, so that demanding sausages everywhere can be understood as just a polite version of WE WANT COCK!

Wassailing. From Wikipedia:

Here We Come A-wassailing (or Here We Come A-caroling) is an English traditional Christmas carol and New Year song, apparently composed c. 1850. The old English wassail song refers to ‘wassailing’, or singing carols door to door wishing good health, while the a– is an archaic intensifying prefix; compare A-Hunting We Will Go and lyrics to The Twelve Days of Christmas (e.g., “Six geese a-laying”).

(On intensifying a-, see my “A-verb-in‘ we will go”, a detailed handout for a 5/24/00 Stanford Syntax Workshop.)

Most recordings of the carol seem to be either reverential or quaintly antique, but here’s a wonderfully spirited Celtic-flavored performance:

(#5) David Archuleta, Meav, and Mark Wills (on Archuleta, see my 3/12/15 morning-name posting)

The crucial lines come at the beginning:

Here we come a-wassailing
Among the leaves so green

Which I altered to a-frankering (preserving the come for its sexual associations). Then the song takes us to the woods.

Sex in the woods is a rich, rich theme. It’s not in private, but it is in an isolated place away from other people. In the open air, but enclosed. Delicious.

Jacking off in the woods is pretty much an adolescent cliché (for boys who have easy access to woods, as I did as a child, just a few blocks away), and it’s a gay porn theme. In gay porn, jacking off or pissing in the woods usually attracts the attention of a horny hiker, and solo turns to duo.

(#6) Solo frankerin’: I’m doin’ it in the woods (dick fuzzed out for social-media modesty)

As for duo frankerin’: Why don’t we do it in the woods, buddy? The Beatles had the right idea, more or less, back in 1968. From Wikipedia:

“Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?” is a song by the English rock band the Beatles, released on their 1968 double album The Beatles (also known as “the White Album”). It was written and sung by Paul McCartney, but credited to Lennon–McCartney. “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?” is short and simple; 1:42 of twelve-bar blues that begins with three different percussion elements (a hand banging on the back of an acoustic guitar, handclaps, and drums) and features McCartney’s increasingly raucous vocal repeating a simple lyric with only two different lines.

(#7) (2009 remastered version) No one will be watching us / Why don’t we do it in the road?

And you can take your Pocket Weenies with you anywhere.

Austin Wilde, up for almost anything. An excellent choice for duo frankerin’. Aside from his physical attractions and his raw enthusiasm for sex, his porn persona is amiable and attentive. Versatile top, dick cut, 7.5 or 8″ (depending on who you read), and the rest you can pretty much see in #1. He even has a Wikipedia page:

Austin Wilde (b. 11 February 1983) is an American gay pornographic film actor and producer.

Wilde started working in porn in June 2008. He broke his exclusivity contract with Raging Stallion Studios in September 2010, to show his disagreement with their laxity regarding barebacking, which at the time he refused to promote. … He founded his own studio, GuysinSweatPants, in 2013.

Wilde identifies as gay. His previous romantic relationship with Anthony Romero, another pornographic actor, has been the subject of several short films by pornographic studio Cocky Boys.

Wilde is still doin’ it on-screen after 10 years, an unusually long career in the porn industry.

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