The Magnificent WaterSports

(Men’s bodies and mansex, not suitable for kids or the sexually modest.)

In the Daily Jocks mailing yesterday, this heavily sexualized ad for WaterShorts swimwear (in black, aqua, lime, and coral), the first swimwear from the premium homowear company PUMP! (an old acquaintance on this blog) — with a caption of mine in run-on free verse:

(#1) The Magnficent WaterSports

cruising hard in a pack
the four ride acrest waves of desire
intimidating contemptuous seductive
assuming the burden of
creating enlivening animating
celebrity characters

muscle-hunk Yuri Bruno
menacing in black
leader of the four
crafts an actor “Yul Brynner” aka
Cajun gunslinger Chris Adams
in a famous Western movie, with
guns instead of water pistols so

haughty faggy Stevie Molleen
wanton in aqua
creates a hyper-macho
“Steve McQueen” all
fast race cars and motorcycles
doing drifter Vin Tanner in the movie
“McQueen’s” fiercely competitive love for
“Paul Newman” was notorious darling
we love them both for it

crotch-grabbing Horn Blucher
incontinent in lime the boy just
cannot keep his hands off his dick
admittedly it is beautiful a monument of
masculinity but still, he animates a
“Horst Bucholz” in the movie a young and
hot-blooded shootist called Chico all
ethnicities melt together in the
watery lands of celluloid desire

impassive Jocko Burnish
indifferent in coral, fresh
aquatic feminine coral, doesn’t
give a shit creates the super-flinty-cool
“James Coburn” whose gun rarely
stays in its holster but movie-morphs into a
knife that Britt wields in the movie one
mortal metal cock is much like any other

Yuri might be the leader, but Stevie (with his white-blond hair, stud earrings, and  hyper-ripped body, plus that haughty stare) is the focus of the group portrait. Here he is displaying his (completely smooth-shaven) body for us, alongside a crudely symbolic lion’s-mouth fountain:


Background note: The Magnificent Seven. From Wikipedia:

The Magnificent Seven is a 1960 American Western film directed by John Sturges and starring Yul Brynner, Eli Wallach, Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, Robert Vaughn, Brad Dexter, James Coburn and Horst Buchholz. The film is an Old West–style remake of Akira Kurosawa’s 1954 Japanese film Seven Samurai. Brynner, McQueen, Bronson, Vaughn, Dexter, Coburn and Buchholz portray the title characters, a group of seven gunfighters hired to protect a small village in Mexico from a group of marauding bandits (whose leader is played by Wallach)

Background note: Steve McQueen. Something of a maximal contrast in persona to Stevie Molleen, so that having Stevie be the creator of the “Steve McQueen” character is especially delicious. From Wikipedia about the celebrity that Stevie constructed:

Terrence Stephen McQueen (March 24, 1930 – November 7, 1980) was an American actor. McQueen was nicknamed “The King of Cool”, and his antihero persona developed at the height of the counterculture of the 1960s made him a top box-office draw during the 1960s and 1970s. McQueen received an Academy Award nomination for his role in The Sand Pebbles. His other popular films include The Cincinnati Kid, Love With the Proper Stranger, The Thomas Crown Affair, Bullitt, The Getaway, and Papillon, as well as the all-star ensemble films The Magnificent Seven, The Great Escape, and The Towering Inferno.

The early-life script that Stevie wrote for this character is gripping: a turbulent, violent childhood history, years in reform school, a series of rough jobs, the Marines, and a breakthrough in the role of bounty hunter Josh Randall on tv’s Wanted Dead or Alive (1958-61), a paragon of great masculine strength and great decency as well. A p.r. shot for the show:


Stevie deveoped his “Steve McQueen” character off-screen, in a series of high-macho exploits (race cars and motorcycles, palling around with other high-masculinity celebrities). Shirtess on a motorcycle:


(Note: McQueen had a lean body type, and kept in shape, but he looked naturally fit and not gym-ripped.)

More PUMP! news. Catching up on PUMP! WaterShorts led me to another remarkable line of homowear from the company: the Creamsicle line, in burnt orange and several styles:

(#4) Left to right: brief, jock, access trunk (backless), boxer

Archly queer ad copy for these items, for example:

Fatally masculine, the Creamsicle Brief is the kind of treat you simply can’t help but crave.

A creamy style with a tangy twist, the Creamsicle Access Trunk is everyone’s favorite flavor. …  retro styling that adds a bold and playful touch for when you’re (un)dressed to impress.

The Access Trunk up close, seen from the rear, as it was meant to be:


Earlier on this blog: my posting of 10/17/18, “PUMP!ing it up”, on the Creamsicle access trunk, and on the Creamsicle — popsicle-ice frozen exterior, vanilla ice cream interior — originally in orange flavored ice (hence the color of PUMP!’s underwear line), though now in a variety of flavors:

(#6) Old original (orange) Creamsicles

Popsicles are, of course, classic phallic symbols (especially powerful symbolically because you put them in your mouth and suck on them and eat them), and when you add cream (slang for ‘semen’) to the name, you have Gay Delight. (If you like orange ice, as I do, even better.)

And, yes, there’s a National Creamsicle Day: August 14th.

2 Responses to “The Magnificent WaterSports”

  1. kenru Says:

    In my peregrinations around the Hollywood studios, the star that I encountered who exuded the most charismatic vibe was Steve McQueen in the late 1960s. Your Magnificent 4 WaterSport kings are all too musclebound for my tastes. YMMV.

    • arnold zwicky Says:

      Too musclebound for my taste as well, but I try not to annoy people by pointing that out every time I post about underwear models and pornstars, who are likely to be over-gymmed.

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