Cory and Calvin, Kiefer and Petey

Today’s Christmas card material (hat tip to Aric Olnes): identical-twin muscle-hunk sex-elves in seasonal costume, with some cookie-eating oral action as a bonus:

Twins Cory and Calvin Boling: TikTok stars, bodybuilders, fitness models, and trainers; born 10/18/97 in North Carolina, they advertise themselves on Instagram and Facebook as well as TikTok

Yes, indisputably homoerotic; I imagine them pole-dancing.

Like many men who make a living from their bodies, they happily project equal-opportunity sexiness, serving both as models for straight men to identify with and as objects of desire for straight women and gay men. Their actual sexualities are beside the point, which is about the (fantasy) characters they inhabit, with their cruise faces, racy clothes, killer abs, and phallic displays. (Possibly to project authenticity, they have chosen to use their birth names in their professional work rather than adopting professional names.)

So much for the visuals, what about the music? Entertained by the identical-twin sex-elves image, Tim Evanson riffled through his mental pop-culture index cards and found a sweet musical match, whose lyrics he then flagrantly queered:

♫ Meet Kiefer who’s lived most everywhere
♫ From West Palm Beach to Ghirardelli Square
♪ But Petey’s only seen the sights
♪ A boy can see from stripper-pole heights
♫ What a crazy pair!

🎼 But they’re cousins
♪ Identical cousins and they’re gay!
♪ One pair of sixty-niners
🎼 One a top, and one a bottom all the way!

(Reproduced here with the author’s permission.)

Ah, Kiefer and Petey, identical cousins of differing tastes. Here’s the model text,  with Cathy and Patty in the theme song from The Patty Duke Show:

Meet Cathy, who’s lived most everywhere,
From Zanzibar to Berkeley Square
But Patty’s only seen the sights
A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights –
What a crazy pair!

But they’re cousins,
Identical cousins all the way.
One pair of matching bookends,
Different as night and day.

From Wikipedia:

The Patty Duke Show is an American television sitcom created by Sidney Sheldon and William Asher. The series ran on ABC from September 18, 1963, to April 27, 1966.

The series was developed as a vehicle for teenage star Patty Duke, who had won an Academy Award the previous year. Duke starred in dual roles of “twin cousins” Patty and Cathy Lane [AZ: they’re daughters of identical twin brothers]. The series co-starred William Schallert, Jean Byron, Paul O’Keefe, and Eddie Applegate.

… The show’s theme song, “Cousins,” which has since been parodied many times over in pop culture (including Rocko’s Modern Life where it was parodied as the theme song to “The Bloaty and Squirmy Show”), illustrates the two girls’ differences: “… where Cathy adores the minuet, the Ballet Russe and crêpes Suzette, our Patty loves her rock ‘n’ roll, a hot dog makes her lose control …” The song was performed by a five-voice vocal ensemble called “The Skip-Jacks,” which featured actress and Playboy model Stella Stevens.

You can watch the intro to the show, with the theme song “Cousins”, in this YouTube video. (Warning: the theme song is ohrwurmlichkeitvoll.)

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