The advancing horde of shelf elves

The most extravagant of the images I’ve collected on this topic — one that should serve as a warning about (some of) the content of this posting:


Two things you need to know about to fully get this composition: the Elf on the Shelf figure; and the glory hole setting, with a candy cane (which often functions as a phallic symbol) standing in for a penis. (In a moment I’ll have more to say about the details of the composition.)

(The composition has been widely distributed on the net — this copy came to me from Kim Darnell — but never, so far as I can tell, with credit to its creator.)

Glory holes (of the sort parodied above) have come up repeatedly on this blog. From a 7/31/12 posting, this definition from GDoS:

(gay) a hole cut in the side of a public toilet cubicle; one man pushes his penis through while another, anonymous, man fellates him [cites from 1949 on]

There are variants, but the practice is almost entirely for m2m sex, and money hardly ever changes hands (in my experience, never).

[Digression on fellation, in plain language. For who knows how long, straight men have paid women to give them blow jobs. (The assumption is that most women are not particularly enthusiastic about sucking cock, but will do so to please a partner, or for money, or under duress.) Straight men very rarely pay another man for the service; in fact, as gay-for pay or “trade”, straight men not uncommonly extract payment from a cocksucker, the idea being that the cocksucker is seeking something pleasurable to him and should pay for it. In glory hole sex,  all that’s required is one guy offering dick and one welcoming it — there are routines for communicating these intended roles — and nobody’s self-identification need enter into the negotiations.

What I’m saying is that #1 represents an odd straight-guy interpretation of glory hole sex, treating the suck elf as analogous to a woman.

In addition, $20 for a blow job from a high-class pro is, as I understand things these days, way low. But maybe the suck elf is desperate for money. I do suspect that Santa is a skinflint.]

The elf on the shelf. From Wikipedia:

The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition is a 2004 children’s picture book, written by Carol Aebersold and daughter Chanda Bell and illustrated by Coë Steinwart. The book tells a Christmas-themed story, written in rhyme, that explains how Santa Claus knows who is naughty and who is nice. It describes elves visiting children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. The Elf on the Shelf comes in a keepsake box that features a hardbound picture book and a small soft toy in the form of a pixie scout elf.

The story describes how Santa’s “scout Elves” hide in people’s homes to watch over events. Once everyone goes to bed, the scout elf flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa the activities, good and bad, that have taken place throughout the day. Before the family wakes up each morning, the scout elf flies back from the North Pole and hides. By hiding in a new spot each morning around the house, the scout elf and the family play an on-going game of hide and seek.


The book and the toy are a package deal. You get to choose one of four scout elves: two male, two female; two white, two elves of color. Match the elf to the child.

The product is (a) heavily commercialized, especially via the bundling of the book with the toy; (b) terribly Christmas-cutesy; and (c) really really creepy: the elf spies on the child and reports back to Santa every night; meanwhile, the child is not supposed to play with the elf; and parents are encouraged to use the elf to admonish the child to behave nicely and not naughtily.

Unsurprisingly, anti-elf snark quickly surfaced. There’s a 2011 parody book The Elf Off the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition Gone Bad. And zombie elves, evil elves, and naughty elves, some of them engaged in inappropriately adult behavior (often sexual) with one another and with other toys, like Barbie characters. Male elves were posed displaying their (symbolic) hard dicks:


Parents with good intentions sometimes staged elf posings that were unintentionally sexual, as in this New Zealand mother’s attempt to get her two boys to brush their teeth well:


A toothbrush is a phallic symbol. Even better, you use it by putting it in your mouth. And toothpaste works as a seminal symbol. So in #4 we have a scout elf with a big ol’ hard-on and a cumface. Isn’t he cute?

Whipped cream on the elfin Yule log: the most recent (12/18) Saturday Night Live‘s opening sketch, which you can watch here. In it,

The incessantly shirtless Russian President Vladimir Putin (Beck Bennett) came down the chimney to visit Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump on Saturday Night Live — he was “just in town, you know, hiding in the walls” — and he brought along a little Christmas gift. “This is Elf on the Shelf — it’s fun!” Putin says, revealing an elf with one eye that’s definitely a camera lens. “You just put it right here, next to your internet router. You keep it there all year. It’s fun, yes?” (link)

It’s just the elfin spycam, not to worry.


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