The Mystery Man of Crotch Beach

(Some crude sexual talk, but some humor, too, and plants, several plants. Use your judgment.)

(Notice: Prunella vulgaris and Orchis mascula are real plants, and what I say about them and their names is, to the best of my knowledge, accurate. As for the rest, caveat lector.)


Hunky Herb hides his
Puffy purple penis, his
Funky fleshy fruits, but fuck, his
Buddy Larry says, lewdly, a
Feast to eat, and pretty too.

The back story, in a recent press release:

(Slightly doctored image above from a Daily Jocks ad yesterday.)

Rare Anatomical Anomaly
Documented in Undewear Model

Floral Park, Florida: Researchers at the prestigious Ringling Institute here have issued a report on a rare florid case of glossophally, or labiate penis, which came to light because of the patient’s occupation as an underwear model (where the outlines of his unusual genitals became obvious during fashion shoots). Even more remarkably, the patient (known by the pseudonym Herb Applebee) also exhibits gross orchid orchid syndrome (OOS), in which the patient’s testicles flagrantly resemble orchid tubers.

The latest Institute revelation is that these conditions are accompanied by a genital skin-color anomaly – not in itself remarkable (dark genitals are not uncommon in otherwise light-skinned individuals), except for Applebee’s color, which an Institute spokesperson described as “a gorgeous intense purple”.

In labiate penis, the urethral opening flares out into a fleshy lipped structure uncannily resembling flowers of the Labiate, or Lamium, family. In particular, the Institute report identifies Applebee’s penis as “a human analogue of the flower of Prunella vulgaris, commonly known as self-heal or heal-all”. Meanwhile, Applebee’s testicles are “firm, fleshy, and oval, much like the paired tubers of Orchis mascula, the early-purple orchid”. And they are also purple.

An appendix to the Institute’s report, penned by the staff linguist, examines the ins and outs of the species name Orchis mascula.

Behind the back story: Prunella vulgaris. A groundcover plant, with ornamental varieties grown in gardens and others treated by some people as invasives in lawns. Here’s Herb’s variety:


Heal-all is used to treat cuts and inflammations, in an herbal drink, and (masculinity alert!) in bodybuilding supplements.

Behind the back story: Orchis mascula.


Orchis mascula, the early-purple orchid, is a species of flowering plant in the orchid family, Orchidaceae.

… In some magical traditions, its root is called Adam and Eve Root. It is said that witches used tubers of this orchid in love potions. (from Wikipedia)

The Latin noun orchis / orchid- is borrowed from Gk. orkhis ‘testicle’; orchis is feminine in gender (remember that sex and grammatical gender are not at all the same thing), so a modifying adjective like masculus ‘masculine, male’ will take its feminine form, mascula. Despite this, the binomial name Orchis mascula is drenched in male physicality.

So orchids are so called because their tubers resemble testicles, and orchid orchid syndrome is so called because men with the condition have testicles that resemble orchid tubers. Layers on layers.

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