(alcoholic drinks and lots of condoms, so not for kids or the sexually modest)
I put in a grocery order for delivery from Safeway (a bag of mandarins, 2 containers of yogurt, 2 cartons of milk, 4 boxes of Kleenex, and some Dijon mustard), and Safeway suggested a pile of additions to my order, the first of which came as the word MAXIMUS, which my highly penis-invested imagination took as a reference to condoms, huge ones (no doubt as a compliment to the power of my body; for the purposes of sales, every man is admirably horse-hung, whatever his actual equipment is like). As it happens, I am happily snug — salestalk for small / slim — rather that max / thick, congenial rather than showy, but I’m entertained by the gesture.
But it turned out that MAXIMUS was an allusion to max taste, not max size — specifically to the powerful taste of an ale, Lagunitas Maximus Colossal IPA. Safeway was encouraging me to order some. Or Mad Dog Bling Blue Razz blend raspberry wine. Or Absolut Tabasco — chili pepper flavored vodka. (I swear I am not making these up.) There were probably further remarkable alcoholic drinks on succeeding pages, but I did not venture further into this astounding catalog. In fact, I was falling back on visions of snug but silky condoms.
Four reports on Lagunitas Maximus Colossal IPA:
a chewy, resiny mouthfeel with pine, cracker malt, and a citrus sweetness like orange candy
a 9% double IP with orange / apricot marmalade on white bread notes and a firm, resinous bitterness
pine, resin, grapefruit, and tropical fruit (mango, apricot); dangerously drinkable despite high alcohol content
wonderful, complex pine and citrus hops character blends nicely with just enough malt sweetness to balance and give it a soft body
Well, pine and fruit, those for sure. All the rest — orange, apricot, grapefruit, mango — is detail.
So with a condom: a flexible impenetrable sheath for a penis during sex; all the rest is detail:
material (rubber, lambskin, latex, polyurethane, nitrile rubber); lubricated or not; with a reservoir end (to collect ejaculate) or not; plain or colored; flavored (for oral sex) or not; and, yes, in a number of sizes.
There’s your prize, what’s its size? From the wikiHow site, “How to Determine Condom Size”:
Most condoms are sized by their flat width, with length being a secondary measurement for comfort (a condom that is too long can be rolled at the base, and one that is too short can still provide protection if it fits snugly around the shaft)
Snug has its advantages: (from actual testimonials) big enough to be satisfying, small enough to be easy to handle. But as in all things, tastes vary.
April 4, 2026 at 6:22 am |
I have been amused in recent years by the trend of beer companies adopting the style of description (which some might consider pretentious) previously associated almost exclusively with wine. (I can’t say I’ve ever been able to detect the specific flavors indicated in either case.)
I remember quite a few years ago contemplating the variety of flavored vodkas offered by a (slightly pretentious) liquor store on the Cambridge/Somerville (MA) line; I think they included cucumber and coffee (separately, not together). Tabasco is a new one on me; other than saving a couple of seconds in mixing a Bloody Mary, I don’t see the point.