From my 3/19/26 posting “Annals of derogation: homo”:
fairy-boy was the primary verbal abuse directed (inexplicably) at me in childhood, along with (equally inexplicable) accusations that I wanted to be a girl
The abuse was inexplicable to me when I was a kid, but though I was a canny child, there were ways of the world I did not yet appreciate, and among them was the power of the normative gender binary — whatever deviates from normative masculinity is necessarily feminine (and therefore unacceptable in a male person). Some material from this blog on the subject …
From my 10/5/21 posting “Masculinity comics 1”:
The Boy Code (and normative masculinity more generally). From my 4/12/16 posting “On the brocabulary watch: brocialist”, on
Michael Kimmel’s Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men. Understanding the Critical Years Between 16 and 26 (2008), and in particular its chapter 3: ““Bros Before Hos”: The Guy Code”, which notes that the basic rules of masculinity – “the boy code” and “the guy code” – have scarcely changed at all for many decades; the first rule is that “masculinity is the relentless repudiation of the feminine” (p. 45).
And the central precept of the first rule is No Sissy Stuff!: avoid anything that might suggest homosexuality. The most wounding insult to a young man is to call him a fag(got), and “That’s so gay” is a powerful put-down among adolescent boys.
But beyond that: avoid women as friends rather than sexual conquests; avoid “feminine” interests (like the arts), avoid empathetic rather than competitive interactions (men improve one another, make one another into better men, by challenging each other agonistically), etc.
Also avoid “Mama values” (at the risk of becoming a “Mama’s boy”): cleanness, neatness, respectfulness, “proper grammar”, no “dirty talk”, etc. – including these values as policed by female partners (standing in for Mama), who are seen as “ball-busters” or “castrating bitches” when they perform this role: women as emasculating.
From p. 47 of the Kimmel book:
One of the more startling things I found when I researched the history of the idea of masculinity in America for a previous book [Manhood in America: A Cultural History (1st ed. 1995)] was that men subscribe to these ideals not because they want to impress women, let alone any inner drive or desire to test themselves against some abstract standards. They do it because they want to be positively evaluated by other men.<
Men in groups tend to bond through aggressive displays, and to see women as a threat to their bonds, a combination of factors that can lead to extraordinary hostility towards women
In my own case, as a boy, I had close female friends, which many boys understood as my wanting to be like a girl or my wanting to be a girl or even my being a girl pretending to be a boy. I enjoyed imaginative play with girls and shrank from the aggressive rough play of boys, but I wasn’t a fem boy, nor did I take part in the games girls played in groups (hopscotch, jump-rope games, and the like). Nevertheless, my friendships with girls were one of the things that got me labeled as a fairy-boy and a queer; we didn’t have the terms gay or fag(got) in those long-ago days. (My first such female friend, starting when we were 6 and lasting through high school, died not long ago, to my great sorrow.)
In any case, I can vouch for the strength of this particular bit of the Boy Code in 8-year-old boys.
The paths of resistance. Most generally, men can resist the power of the gender binary by allying conspicuously with women as equals, supporting them as leaders, and engaging with feminist causes. On the specifically sexual front, men for whom the gender binary is a straitjacket need to display themselves publicly, as a matter of their own self-worth, and, especially, as a model for others (we really do need to change the world, to whatever degree we’re able to):
— by recognizing and celebrating men as objects of male desire
— through talk about sexual practices, as providing sexual pleasure to other men, especially as (orally or anally) receptive, and through displays of affection (it’s become important to me that, every so often, in small talk about life, I just toss in the information that my fantasy sex life hinges on how much I love to get fucked)
— through presentations of self that are recognizably gay (a wide range of possibilities here; since, until I talk about my life, I come across as neutrally masculine, I am known for resorting to impertinent t-shirts — today I am wearing GAY AS FUCK, in 4-inch rainbow letters; yesterday was BIG FAG, in even bigger black letters, on a neon pink background) — or presentations that are frankly effeminate (huzzahs for the queens among us; they are the inescapably visible vanguard for all of us, and deserve credit for bearing this burden)
I note that I’m willing to put a lot of effort into the cause of resistance, because I can get away with it, thanks to my position in life, and because I committed to the project in 1970 and have a lot of experience. I don’t expect other people to engage to this degree. But every bit helps. And helps us all, ordinary straight guys included.
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