Arnold Zwicky's Blog

That’s the name of a site devoted to criticism of photographs — of penises. “Critiquing your dick pics with love”, says the Critic (who I will refer to with generic they, since they view their sex as irrelevant to the enterprise). (There is some evidence that they are in New Zealand: they use the grading scheme from a high of A+ to a low of D- because that’s what’s used in New Zealand schools; certainly the lexical choices are British rather than American.)

People send photographs of penises in to the Critic, who then provides a thoughtful critique of the photography (not the penis), with a summary grade. There are two sample photos on AZBlogX, here: the mince photo and the duvet photo.

(Hat tip to Laura Staum Casasanto. People send me the most amazing things.)

#1: the mince photo. The critique:

this is an unusual and rather good dick pic, sender.

i mean, you’re covered in raw mince [BrE ‘minced beef, ground beef’] and that’s going to have limited appeal for most people, although you’ve assured me your intended recipient is into it (a very important detail). the pose, layout and setting is well considered and executed, and your grip is convincing.

there are more interesting angles you could have worked with, but you seem to have taken the dick pic you set out to take. well done.

thank you for your submission to critique my dick pic. putting aside my personal feelings about raw meat on bodies, your dick pic gets a B+.

#2: the duvet photo. The critique:

the fact that you have dried fluids on you is not a particularly good look, sender, and your dick pic isn’t great at all.

you have a jumbled, loudly-patterned duvet [NOAD2: ‘a soft quilt filled with down, feathers, or a synthetic fiber, used instead of an upper sheet and blankets’ — strongly, but not exclusively, British] arranged oddly and messily over yourself and a measly fraction of your penis is visible. your hand placement is elegant, but that’s about the only thing that’s good about your picture to be perfectly frank with you, sender. it’s gloomy, strangely arranged and lacking erotic potential.

give it another shot, sender.

thank you for submitting to critique my dick pic. your dick pic gets a D.

Plenty more at the site.

This entry was posted on March 4, 2015 at 11:35 am and is filed under Dialects, Gender and sexuality, Language and the body, Photography. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.