The long johns, the erection, and the cruise face

(Significant mentions of erections, plus a photo of a barely covered one, displayed with carnal intent — so not to everyone’s taste.)

This morning’s ad from Daily Jocks offers extremely form-fitting long johns from Helsinki Athletica, modeled in such a calculatedly raunchy way that I broke out in helpless laughter.

The ad copy for the garment (illustration under the fold):

SPECIAL PURCHASE: 40% OFF LONG JOHNS

The Helsinki Athletica Long Johns [AZ: note Ad-Copy Capitalization] are made from premium modal [AZ: modal fabric is made by spinning beech bark cellulose] which forms to your skin with ultimate comfort, whilst showing off your best assets. [AZ: If you got ’em, flaunt ’em!]

These Long Johns are only available for 1 week per year! [AZ: I’m not sure we could survive an extended display of them.]

USD $19 | AUD $27 [The DJ company is in Oz.]


For once, my gaze didn’t start with the face, but with the model’s gigantic protruding erection, which appeared to be nearing its terminal moment

I was mentally preparing a snarky caption along the lines of “Hard-on? What hard-on?” when I looked up at his face, expecting a neutral expression, projecting clueless innocence, and found instead a piercing cruising-for-sex face: a version of the Cruise of Death, fiercely imposing his sexual power on any man who would dare to meet his gaze. It says: I’m hot and I know it, and you will submit to me, boy!

So: totally over the top, plus those skin-tight long johns, the lean but powerful musculature (granted, only what you expect in any male underwear model), the luscious golden brown skin, and an assortment of tattoos (whose Hells Angels threat cred is undercut some by the elegant pair of birds).

Then, the setting, in someone’s stylish bathroom, featuring a handsome retro claw-footed bathtub and nubbly understated earth-toned curtains.

But whose bathroom? What have we walked in on? Is he putting on this facial and phallic performance for passers-by? — who would chance to pass by this bathroom? I mean, it’s not like he’s posing on a corner of a secluded off-street, or against a tree in the cruising area of some park, it’s a fuckin’ home bathroom — or are we to suppose he’s picked us up somewhere else and we’ve gone together to his place, or to ours, for consummation? (then why are we playing out this scene in the bathroom? is he reassuring us that he’s really such a clean young man?); or are we to see this scene through the eyes of his lover, or his boy, while the two of us do foreplay in our home bathroom?

So much to puzzle out.

Meanwhile, my giggling at his ridiculous hard-on might well have extinguished it. After all, you have to invest a lot of focus and energy to keep an erection like that going (especially without using your hands), so it’s a fragile thing. Hard masculinity takes a lot of maintenance work.

4 Responses to “The long johns, the erection, and the cruise face”

  1. Stewart Kramer Says:

    Men of a pre-gray age can often keep it going hands-free, with convenient pills (which I won’t mention by name, for fear of the spam filter).

    Also, while researching trade name disputes about “bamboo” fabric vs. rayon, I learned that the etymology for “modal” (the trademarked beech-based rayon with high wet-modulus for machine-washable convenience) might be the same as in modal verbs, grammatical mood, modulus, modality, modal dialog boxes, and modal distributions in statistics, but it might also be based on, or influenced by, the “fashion, style” sense of mode. I didn’t find a reputable dictionary with a pronunciation guide specifically for the fabric, amongst all the copy-pasta, but some references jokingly suggest it’s accented like a Moe doll, a real thing inspired by The Simpsons:
    https://www.instructables.com/Make-a-Moe-Syzlak-Doll/

    • Stewart Kramer Says:

      Oh, and reconstituted cellulose spun fibrously is rayon, but the extruded film is called cellophane, so maybe he’s a top:

      You’re the top
      You’re Mahatma Gandhi
      You’re the top
      You’re Napoleon Brandy
      You’re the purple light
      of a summer night in Spain
      You’re the National Gallery
      You’re Garbo’s salary
      You’re cellophane

    • arnold zwicky Says:

      “Moe-doll” is lovely.

    • arnold zwicky Says:

      You didn’t mention the substance by name, but *still* the WordPress filter marked that comment for me as potential spam, and I don’t think modal fabric was the issue.

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