Queer as Duck

(Seriously off-color and sometimes tasteless, so not to everyone’s liking.)

aka Quack in a Tank Top:

(#1) Tank top from UniTee International (through Etsy); (very light) orange duckbill mask (N95 surgical mask) from the Halyard Co.; model AZ photographed by Kim Darnell at AZ headquarters; behind model, resting on the A-E volume of GDoS (open to the page for bang), the 2015 documentary Do I Sound Gay? (the answer to which is “Well, queer as fuck”)

Advised, in the face of the Delta variant, to move up to surgical masks, I searched on Amazon for properly certified masks from American suppliers. Orange the next day, or white in two to three weeks, so orange it was. The orange turned out to be a lighter shade than in the pictures; it also turned out to be a duck’s bill. But it’s very comfortable, and my glasses don’t fog up. However, I’m so spectacularly maladroit that I haven’t yet learned to put it on by myself; but I’ll get a tutoring session tomorrow.

The tank top came in a set of three shirts from UniTee; vowing to abandon my modeling career, I’m showing you photos of the other two from the company (they come in a variety of colors and sizes):

(#2) Yes, yes, but where were you certified, and how? And what does your facial expression mean? What do you think of Hugo Wolf? Do you believe in fairies? Can you help me into this harness? Does the smell of leather get you hard? Where do you think I’m going with this?

(#3) Tasteful simplicity in pastel pink

After some thought, I passed up I LIKE DICK. I do in fact like dick, but not Dick; I didn’t exactly dislike Ike, but Ike ran in 1952 and 1956 with that dick Dick as his running mate, and anyway I really did like Adlai.

Also passed up BUTCH QUEEN. I could more easily cop to BUTCH QUEER or BUTCH FAG, but I don’t think I could really get away with passing myself off as butch (stop snickering, you kids in the back!). Certainly not as a queen. I do, of course, admire the idea of butch queens.

Now, back to wrestling with my bill.

One Response to “Queer as Duck”

  1. arnold zwicky Says:

    Afterthought alternative title: Why a Duck?

    From Wikipedia

    “Why a Duck?” is a comedy routine featured in the Marx Brothers movie The Cocoanuts (1929). In a scene in which Groucho and Chico are discussing a map, Groucho mentions the presence of a viaduct between the mainland and a peninsula. Chico, who is playing the role of an immigrant with poor English skills, replies “Why a duck?” This leads into a long schtick with Chico responding “Why a no chicken?”, “I catch ona why a horse”, and so forth.

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