More news for penises

My last posting of news for penises was back in 2011, but this morning brought two more items on Facebook: penis print pants and the return of the Healthy Penis to the streets of San Francisco.

First, Michael Carden noted a Fashionista posting from May 2012:

Penis Print Pants Exist and They Cost $150

Looking for a new way to try out the mixed print trend? Here’s something that even the Man Repeller probably hasn’t tried yet. How about pairing your floral blouse with this new NSFW print: penises. Yes, penis print leggings–meaning leggings covered in tiny penises–are a thing (Thanks, Buzzfeed). And they kind of remind us of this cannabis-covered Urban Outfitters sweater in that you can’t necessarily quite tell what it is until you get a closer look.

(Buzzfeed provides links to its coverage of Puppetry of the Penis and of a penis size — actual not preferred — chart.)

As it happens, AZBlog was on this story last year, with an illustration. The pants come in styles for both women and men (though the intended audience seems to be women). The extraordinary cost of the pants is a major part of the story.

On to the Healthy Penis story, noted by Ned Deily. From the San Francisco Chronicle:

The Healthy Penis comes out of retirement

San Francisco may have banned the exposure of genitalia, but that’s not stopping the Department of Public Health from bringing back its giant Healthy Penis. Yes, the beloved six-foot-tall mascot for safe sex is literally coming out of the closet and will be back at parades and other city events – and this time he comes with free penis-shaped stress toys!

The health department sparked some controversy when it debuted the three characters, all penises but in different hues, back in 2002. But the penis costumes – worn by health department staff and aimed at encouraging gay and bisexual men to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases – became popular and have been copied in San Jose and Cleveland.

The penises went into retirement in 2006, debuted again in 2009, and now are back for a third time to encourage men to get tested for STDs every six months. Those who do get tested will receive a Healthy Penis stress toy and a coupon that looks like a dollar bill – but, of course, with a Healthy Penis in place of George Washington. The coupons can be used for discounts, free coffee and other goodies at 25 local businesses.


That’s one of this year’s HPs. (Some Facebook commenters were disturbed by the giant teeth — see my posting on Ralf König and the Killer Condom — and one remarked that trouser snakes are traditionally one-eyed.) From 2009:


The Healthy Penises, including Byron, Pedro, and Clark, promoted safer sex in the Castro in 2009 with their nemesis Phil the syphilis sore.

Now, about the “stress toys”. What are called stress balls, made of polyurethane, are available (in lots of a thousand or more) from a number of suppliers. The idea is that squeezing one of these balls relieves stress. They are mostly used for promotional purposes, and they come in an enormous number of shapes, not merely balls: Australia, dice, a penguin, a VW beetle, a heart, a star, etc. And penises. Here’s a cute one in yellow (most are “flesh-colored”):


Why penises? From a consulting website:

Promotional Penis Shaped Stress Balls – What Are They Used For?

So then, how do you think penis shaped stress balls should be used? Some guys might think it would be fun to put one down their pants and direct it out their front zipper at this year’s office Christmas party. Most likely he they will just end up making a d**k of themselves. Is that not what office Christmas parties are for?

Although some people do purchase these male organ shapes for some pretty unusual marketing campaigns, the majority are order to draw awareness to illnesses like testicular cancer and impotence.

Or STDs. The promotional penises can be imprinted with messages about testicular cancer, impotence, HIV and other STDs, or any other concern involving the male genitals.

Many men clutch their dicks in moments of stress. The penis stress toy can serve as a less obtrusive subtitute.

Then there are more realistic stress penises, usually sold individually, with women as the intended audience. Here’s one such:


Featuring a realistic appearance and liquid-filled stress relieving texture, the Realistic Penis Shaped Stress Toy makes a hilarious and genuinely useful gift for any modern woman. Soft, strong and endlessly therapeutic, this hilarious toy is endlessly tactile.

So if you’ve been looking for a fun gift for a friend, or you’re suffering from man-induced stress, make sure you get your hands on the Realistic Penis Shaped Stress Toy today! With its realistic texture and hilarious packaging, it’s bound to drive the stress away! (link)

(Note the feminine hand wielding the stress toy.) The idea is that squeezing a polyurethane cock and balls can relieve man-induced stress. Ouch. Of course, a gay man might use it as a pleasurable substitute for the real thing.

[Added a bit later in the day, after seeing an ad for the Pocket Hose on tv: “The Pocket Hose just grows and grows and grows, into a full-length hose.”]

One Response to “More news for penises”

  1. Facebook bizarreness | Arnold Zwicky's Blog Says:

    […] first posting FB objected to was certainly sexual in content: “More news for penises”. But then the next one was “Reduplicative compounds”, which was a head-scratcher for […]

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